Since my very formative years, the one dominant emotion which governed my choices, my decisions, and my actions in life had been fear of consequences. After the untimely demise of my father in our childhood, our mother clutched me and my elder brother close to her bosom, much like the proverbial Mother Hen. Though she filled our lives with laughter, cheer and loads of warmth, yet the underlying fear of losing us that dwelt in her heart resonated in our beings. Even when she was not around, her apprehensions kept us in tight rein disallowing us to try anything venturesome, for the longest time.
So assured we were of the gravitas of the safety net around us that it took that it took a really long time into our adult years before my brother and I could come to the realization that the fear she had so unknowingly transmitted in us, were not always perhaps for our own good.
Getting a constant A+ in academics, doing my management and masters in languages, all my life, career and marriage choices were governed by this underlying fear which put a spanner in attempting anything that could be perceived as venturesome.
But life sure has its own way of off-putting the best laid plans. My carefully planned, meticulously deliberated arranged marriage floundered under unforeseen circumstances. Suddenly I was faced with the prospect of a very uncertain future despite my mother’s best intentions. I became conscious of the fact that no matter how strong my mother’s instincts were of trying to keep us safe, life came with no set terms and conditions and one had to accept each day as it came, with sun or with rain. Hence onwards I would be the only one responsible to steer my ship in terrains known or unknown and will be responsible for the good and the bad that came along with,in the way.
The veil of fear was uplifted, the stepping out from the safety net realized and in the next few years I tried to take up as many challenges as life kept on throwing at me. Moving to a different city all on my own, affecting a major career change from corporate to academics, plunging in the deep blue waters of the pool to learn swimming, learning to balance myself on the precarious two wheels of a bike, successfully managing to drive a car,navigating the life’s nitty- gritties, single-handedly, everything which I had assumed will be impossible to achieve I attempted andI did.
Once the shadow of fear was lifted, no fear seemed too large, no challenge seemed too daunting, no day seemed too dreary, no cloud seemed too bleak. Life was about being up and moving.
What about my mother, then? After casting aside the first few niggling doubts and rolling of eyes, she now seems to have joined the club. She is my staunchest supporter, my best promoter and my anytime, on call friend.